My Soul Pleads For You
by babyluw
Summary: "And there it goes again, the fucking butterflies, the fist around my heart, the outer space in the back of my throat. And that deep desire to smash my head against the wall- which I don't do but really, it's hard not to." Multiparings, AU.
1. My Soul Pleads For You

A/N: This note could be so, so long. This is a multiparing story, please have that in mind. If you just want pointless sex, go find a one-shot.  
Music: TV on the Radio - Love dog

**My Soul Pleads For You**

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Prologue pt.2/My Soul Pleads For You pt.1

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If you're looking for a nice story to get carried away in fantasy with, don't bother with this.

There's a lot of things that are more worthwhile than reading something like this. Surely you have a job you need to take care of. Or homework, cause I could bet money on the fact that there's a big pile lying right next to you. Or maybe you're not even 13 years old yet, so that pile of work doesn't really matter yet- a little fucker of a virgin, sitting there and trying to read yourself some experience. Oh, let me tell you, you'd get much more experience elsewhere. Trust me.

Get out.

In this story, no one finds the right person, no one gets their happily ever after. At least if you go by my luck, the one that doesn't even exist in the first place. But fuck it, here I am again, falling in love – _again_. And is it the right person this time? No, no way.

This one gives me the worst vibes so far. Living a happy life with this fellow? Well, hello sir, do you want my heart served on a silver plate, or would this plastic one be enough?

I don't get why I even care, it's all about chemicals in the end. _Love_, that's just the name of a dude that works at one of the local bars.

Bitter much, Renji?

Yeah, you could say that.

Visiting Rukia usually cheers me up, pulls me back up and together, but my mood was as lousy as ever as soon as I closed the door behind me and saw his head poking up from the couch. The idiot waited up for me.

And there it goes again, the fucking butterflies, the fist around my heart, the outer space in the back of my throat. And that deep desire to smash my head against the wall- which I don't do but really, it's hard not to.

My shoes land neatly in the pile in the hall and I cross the room and round the couch so that I can see if he's still awake. He's not, and fuck, I wish he was. I hate seeing him like this - if he's awake he can punch me in the face if I would... _slip_.

My fingers goes through his slightly resisting hair, wax trying to fight an ever loosing battle. Kid spends a fortune on this fat free shit, to think of it, he spends a fortune on everything he buys. Even his socks are from some hi-tec brand or another. He smells like pineapple.

Slowly my motions wake him up, and he must have fallen into a deep sleep 'cause his voice is a bit groggy.

"Renji?"

"Hey kid, I'm home." I crack a grin, and he matches it – a bit lazily.

"Don't call me that." His brows knit together in that way that they do. "How was the trip?"

"Good, I'm feeling at peace now again." _Lies_. "And I wrote another song, wanna look it over?" I pull the paper that's been folded ten thousand times over from my back pocket and give it to him.

I don't know why I keep trying.

Spilling my heart out in these damn lyrics, trying to get him to catch the drift, trying to get him to realize that they're all about him.

Well, there's the part about making a living too. Sell one of these scribblings to the right artist and you'll make a fortune. Sell it to anyone who've ever been played on the radio and you'll have the rent handled for at least a couple of months.

Well, that is if you ever even make it out of the box of nobodies.

"Cool. I'll do it tomorrow." he says and then grabs my arm to pull himself up from the couch. Hate when he does that, once he stands up he's too fucking close, and I can feel my fingertips tingle and my breath taking a spin; not knowing if it wants to stay in or take a hike. Thank whoever that it doesn't last for long as he push his way past me and heads for his room. "Goodnight Pine."

"Yeah, see ya Berry."

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I'll have Epilog pt.1 up soon, I think. That one too is pretty short.

The paring/people that this story is written under will change through the chapters - if I focus on some other pair in that chapter. This is because I focus on more than one paring in this story, and I want ppl to who want to read of the parings that they ship to be able to find this, if you think that this is wrong - please tell me. That also means that it this was for ex. under a "Grimm/Ichi" label when you pressed it and you're bummed over the first chapter being RenIchi, do not worry - the next it GrimIchi xD

That also means that if would be wise of you to remember the title if you wanna be sure to find your way back here soon! xD


	2. Warning Sign

A/N: For both you who knows me and you who dosn't - This story won't go as you expect it to ;D  
Music: UNKLE - Morning Rage

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Prologue pt.1/Warning Sign

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Sand shifts under the force.

Slowly but steadily two dips form under the tight layer of synthetic leather. I back away, spreading my fingers, feeling the stretch and pulsing of rushing blood. I wipe my brow with the bottom of my sweater. Two meters away from me a bastard stands, staring at me. I can feel a bit of myself slip to that place as my cheeks stretch to show my fangs.

"Like what you see?" I've always been to quick at losing my temper.

His teeth are white, and his smile looks like that of a predator.

"Wanna fight?" Like I said. Temper.

Half an hour later my back hits the carpet for the fourth time, and before I can collect my dignity that's spread all around the mat he sits down on my chest.

"What's your name, kiddo?"

I snarl, but I can feel my calm self returning and I end up answering him instead. "Kurosaki."

If we'd been outside, if this fight had taken place on some random back street, he would have lit a smoke before he said that, and I would have thought that he was the coolest guy I'd ever comed across.

But he didn't light a smoke, and that just made him remotely cool... But still hot as fuck.

"Do you have a job?" I could see in his grin that he knew that I had been betting on every match I'd fought in here since day one. And that I was in trouble.

"No."

"Come with me." If it wasn't for what just took place, if it wasn't for him pulling his tank-top over his head as he walked away, showing a tattoo of a fucking number six on his back, if it wasn't for that, I would have walked the other way. I'm not to blame, I haven't gotten off in a while.

His office is quite messy. On the at least twenty year old couch there's clothes and a box from some take-out place I've never been to. On the desk there's heaps of paper, pens, unused napkins and three coffee cups.

The trashcan is overflowing.

"You like making money on your fights?" he asks, his back against me as he digs for something in a carton and I'm left answering to a toned back.

"Yeah, I guess." I don't know what he wanna hear. He doesn't radiate anger, like I thought he would. "I mean, it's quick money, so why wouldn't I like it?"

He grunts, and straightens up, some papers in his hand. "Some people have conscience." He grins just like he did when I asked him to fight me, and I wanna throw a retort, but he stops me. "I need to get your info, so back up against the wall."

I don't get what the fuck's going on. Really. But his hand is touching my bare skin and I don't want him to stop.

"174." He mumbles close to my ear as he moves the pen away from the wall I'm pressed up against, and pushes me up on a scale. "61. What's your blood type?" What's with this sexual tension?

"AO." This is nagging on my nerves.

"Heh, mine too." But he still hasn't put a shirt on, so it's okay.

Ten minutes later, after a conversation about allergies and an awful lot of not-so-accidental skin to skin moments he gives me his hand, and I grab it.

"Grimmjow Jaggerjaques, welcome to K:O. "

"Kurosaki Ichigo, I have no idea of what's going on." I say, sarcasm dripping from my voice and he chuckles.

"I kinda figured that when you picked a fight with me." His breath ghosts over my cheek and his hand lands on my hip and he leads me backwards towards the couch. "Do you really care? Cause there's something else I wanna do right now."

His voice is so deep and all I can think is _'Yes, yes, fuck, yes.'_

_._

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One twist done, 500 to go~

The chapters will start after this, so there'll be more text - swear! xD But uh, what do ya think so far?


	3. It's All Wrong, It's All Right

A/N: I love reviews, as every other author. So, I'd like you to open that review window right now - _yes_, before you even starts to read this chapter- and as you read the next 2,500 words you write in what you think of as you think it, can you guys do that for little me? Ofc, when you reach the end you don't _have to_ send it in to me... but I wouldn't mind if you did xD  
Music: All I Need - Radiohead

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It's All Wrong, It's All Right

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Rangiku looks into my eyes, telepathically trying to ask me how I'm feeling. I don't want to answer her, so she turns to Ikkaku.

"Can you go and get us another round?" And with a grunt he gets up and disappears into the crowd. "How do you feel?"

Now she doesn't need telepathy. And I can answer her, even if I still don't want to.

"I'm fine."

She looks at me, and I hate her as much as I love her.

"So visiting Rukia didn't help." It's not a question, I'm not even sure if she's talking to me or just stating something loudly for herself. "Tell him." That on the other hand, was directed at me.

"I can't, and you know it." This conversation again. I hate it.

"You can never be sure until you try." She smiles, a small, genuine smile, that makes her look so beautiful cause there's a speck of hurt in her eyes.

I look away, searching the crowd. "Why don't you marry Ike?" She sighs, and surely there's a million reasons for it.

"I'm not with Ike." And as she says that I can see his shaved head moving through the mass of people and then, ten seconds later, he puts three bottles of beer down on the table and plant his ass back next to Rangiku. And I have to sigh out of frustration.

The fact that they can't see they're perfect for each other is beyond me.

For another ten seconds Rangiku stares at me though, and I have to meet her eyes. Then she turns to Ikakku again.

"Wanna dance?" His adam's apple bobs as he gulps down half the bottle in one go, and apparently, that's a yes. She grabs his wrist and they're moving towards the floor but she turns one last time. "Just three songs, we won't be gone long." And there's that stare again. "Tell him, Renji."

I drink.

And then I drink some more, eyeing the people around me. Drunken clingy youngsters, grabbing for the closest person who they think might accept them, and love them for a short time.

I send a text to Ichigo.

Ichigo drinks a lot.

It's the first time I've seen him getting drunk like this. Even if we live together, it's not like we live _together_.

"Man, I really needed this, I had a shitty day today! Thank God you called!" Technically, I texted, but that's not the point here. The point is his teasing words, words he always throws out, but never really explains. I don't know what he does during the day – more than 'going to the gym', I suspect.

"Oh, so what happened?"

"Got my ass handed to me at the gym. Fucker of a guy." _Please, do tell me more._ "Anyhow, where's the lucky ones?"

"Dancing." Yes, _still_.

Rangiku tries to dry the sweat from her cleavage up with her hand. It's not working. Well, in one way it is, since half the town's eyes are on her now. I'd bet money that she does it on purpose.

"You don't need any help?"

"No, I'm fine. Go home and take a shower, sleep, it looks like you need it." I smile at her, it really looks like she does. Ikkaku too for that matter, having to keep up with her – for at least half of the time. They take the phrase "dance until you drop" literally.

Both of them are stumbling a bit as they turn to walk up the street, and I know that it's not because of the alcohol.

I look down at Ichigo, who's closed his eyes as I talked to Rangiku. _He's_ stumbling because of the alcohol, and I have to hold him up, my arm tight around his waist as he leans heavily on my shoulder as we turn to head down the street.

And it's the best and the worst at the same time.

Ichigo's fingers are playing in my hair as I close our door behind me and kick my shoes off, still holding him steady against my side.

"Ichigo, we're home." I mumble, knowing fully well that he can hear me. Our apartment is so quiet right now.

Looking down at him, his eyes are still closed, but I know he's awake.

He smiles, or maybe it's more accurate to call it a grin or a smirk, and places a warm hand on my stomach, turning a bit to step more into an embrace, breathing heavily against my neck. "Great."

I'm already half hard in my pants.

"Ichigo-"

"Shut up, I know you want this." His teeth grasp against my collarbone as he speaks, and his hand drops into my pants, squeezing me, and effortlessly taking away all my will to argue about this. Instead my eyes drift half closed, and my hands goes along his side, before working to make him drop his pants.

He moans softly against my neck as my hands slides over his bare skin, his ass, his hipbones, up over his nipples.

Grabbing the front of my pants he pulls me forward, and later pushes me down on the couch when we've entered the living room. Standing before me he pulls off his shirt over his head, and pulls his pants and underwear down and off his long legs before taking a step forward, and making to straddle my lap.

I lift my arms as he pulls my t-shirt off my head and then undoes my pants. "Lift a little." He says, and pulls them down to my mid-thigh as I do.

My fingers dig into his hip as he bites down on my neck and strokes our cocks together.

This isn't good. This is like the classic "taking advantage of someone you like when the person is drunk" scenario. But fuck it, I won't stop cause, hell, _he started it_. And that makes me sound childish, but I'm drunk too, and that makes it okay. Being drunk makes everything acceptable.

"_Did you kill this man?" "Yes, but I was drunk.__"__ "Okay then, there's the door. You can go now."_

"Fuck." He growls, and I gasp against his shoulder before licking my way up his throat, nibbling his earlobe. "Fuck! I have to-"

There's a rush of cool air hitting my overheated body as he stands up and runs into his room, coming back a few seconds later.

"What-" I start, but then he drops between my legs and grabs hold of my cock, and there really isn't much I can say about that. He licks up my shaft before rolling a condom on me. As he's continuing to nibble, kiss and suck on my head I hear a light 'pop', the sound of a bottle opening, and then I can see his hand disappearing behind him.

I lean forward, cause fuck, is this really happening? My eyes follow his arched spine down, his hand disappearing out of my sight.

His cock twitches, as he's pressing two fingers into himself, I didn't miss it. With one leg bent under him, the other pressed against his body, knee near his armpit, he's between my legs, sucking and drooling over the already factory lubed condom. I can see him working half-heartedly to lube himself, and I can see his lidded gaze on my cock, with glossy lips parted.

"Your cock is gorgeous." he says, voice so different from everyday. "Thick." And then he looks up at me, meets my eyes. "I'll be tight around you."

I throw my head back against the cushions and groan.

He stands up again and somewhere in the back of my mind there's a voice telling me that he spent less than a minute on prepping himself, and that that should tell me so much shit that I don't know about him. But fuck if I care at the moment. His hand grabs my shoulder and I look at his face as he looks down at my cock.

"Hold your dog steady." he orders. And I do, as he sinks down on me. _Shit, he really is tight_. "Fuck yeah."

Ichigo moves like an intense Hollywood movie. His skin glistering in the yellow street light that shines through the windows. He moves up and down my shaft, he arches his back, his nails dig into my shoulder, he's stroking himself with the other, smearing his own pre-come over himself.

My hands are on his thigh and hip, watching as I disappear into him over and over again. He's doing all the work, and it's like a fucking fantasy. Clenching down on me as he goes up, making the pressure almost unbearable, from time to time dropping himself, making me almost lose it time and again.

The hand he had on his cock, now slick with pre-come, grabs the back of my neck like a mommy lion bites into the neck of the baby lion, and I tilt my head upwards as his nails dig into my skin. His sweaty lips bump into mine and as I moan he drops his tongue deep into my mouth and licks along the insides of my teeth.

With his tongue still in my mouth, his body still moving, now slightly awkwardly, up and down, he says "Change position." Lifting himself, I slip out of him and fuck, I can see how red and swollen I am, even through the slightly yellowish rubber.

One of my hands grabs his knee, pulling forward and making him lose balance, my other hand pushes him, leads him by the hip, and he falls down on the couch beside me, head landing on the low arm rest. I crawl over him, and the grin on his face widens as I lift one of his legs up to rest on the back of the couch, and the other over my shoulder.

"Let's see what you can do." He flexes his muscles, his hips thrusting forward. Teasing me. "Come on, fuck me."

It's not like he needs to tell me. It's not like I've never thought of this before, like I'd never fantasized about a moment just like this. Him with his back against the cushions of our gray couch, me above him, thrusting into him. But him ordering me makes me want to disobey him. Makes me want to leave him there high and _not so_ dry.

"No need to be so pushy." I say instead, guiding myself back into him and picking up the pace fast. For a couple of minutes I watch myself again, and how his hole tries to suck me back in, how his swollen cock slaps against his stomach. The sounds change after another stretch of time, me sounding like a dog in heat, him grunting, moaning, my balls and hips slapping against his ass, his cock slapping against the now wet spot of pre-come on his stomach.

He grabs his own neglected member, stroking rashly. "You better be close."

"I am." I really, _really_, am. His insides start to twitch, clutching down on me as his eyes drift closed. What really does me in though, is watching the come shoot from his cock, only to land on that ripped six pack. I have the decency to pull out as I come, not like it really matters. But fuck it, good practice.

I let myself fall backwards, my head coming to rest on the opposite arm rest and I close my eyes for a moment as I try to even my breath, the bliss of orgasm still running through me. I can feel the shift in the couch as he gets up, and I stretch my hand out for him.

And he takes it.

He fucking grabs it, holds it in his hand as I pull him down, as he leans down, to kiss me.

Just our lips melting against each other.

As he stands up again, I squeeze his hand harder. "Come here."

"No, I'm gonna lake a shower."

"I'll lick you clean."

"Gross."

I wake up alone. And cold. Especially around the crotch area, which is no wonder since I'm still only dressed from my thighs and down- which is rather unusual.

With one hand I grab my shrunken dick, the other I pull through my hair, before picking up a shirt from the floor to cover myself with.

Where's Ichigo?

I get this uneasy feeling as I sit up to look around the living area. Both the bathroom door and the door to his room are closed. As I get up and pull my pants back on an awkwardness settles over the uneasiness and I end up just standing there, my t-shirt still in my hand, until he opens his door, and steps out in the the gray sweatpants that he wears so often and a loose t-shirt.

"Had fun last night?" he says, with a cheeky grin on his face and the uneasiness multiplies. "I found you in quite an awkward position."

Is he for real? Is this really the conversation that should take place here? _Now?_

"Yeah. I guess." I sound stupid. I feel like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Ichigo... I don't like this.

"I'm going out for a run so, yeah, take a shower or something, looks like you need it." He's pretending that nothing happened yesterday. And fuck, if that doesn't make me hate myself and my whole existence.

"Ichigo," He's already out in the hall, digging up his sneakers from the pile of shoes. "What happened yesterday?" The way I formed that question doesn't tell him that I remember it, doesn't tell him that I remember every little move and breath he made.

I can still feel his fingers move over my chest, over my arms, up my neck, fisting in my hair.

"I know that I had a blast at the bar, don't know why you woke up like a thrown away blow up doll on the couch though." And fuck, that stings.

"I really wanna run now," he looks at me as he opens the door, and it really doesn't look like he knows what he's doing, like he really believes that that's what happened. "See you later!"

The door slams shut in my face, and shit.

_Shit_.

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So, that's chapter one... longer than most of my one-shots. Don't get used to it. How did that review end up?


	4. History Involved Itself

A/N: Biggest trouble with this chapter was to choose the song to it xD I'm still not completely satisfied.  
Music: Sufjan Stevens - Concerning the UFO sighting near highland

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History Involved Itself

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I look through half closed eyes as Ikkaku stretches his strong back as he sits up on the edge of the bed, and then stands up and heads towards the bathroom.

Rolling closer to the edge, I reach for my skirt that's lying on the floor, hazily pulling it on as I walk to the kitchen to put on some coffee.

I have this feeling, call if motherly instinct if you want, that something isn't completely right. I haven't seen Renji since we were out last Saturday. It doesn't sit well with me, the look his face had then, the way Ichigo leaned at his shoulder, as if Renji was his property.

Maybe it's just that I don't really like Ichigo's role in his life.

I hear Ikkaku entering the kitchen behind me, followed by the sound of him opening cabinets to bring out sandwiches and the like and I fill two cups with coffee before I turn and sit down at the small table.

"Thanks." he mumbles as I put one cup down in front of him and I nod in recognition.

I really should go and visit Renji today. Since it's Sunday he should be free.

"Do you need to work today?"

"Yeah, but I don't start till twelve, so there's no hurry."

That's good, that gives me a reason to go back home. Oh, why don't I just move in here, it's not like Ikkaku would care, I'm practicably living here already.

Would save us both some money.

Then I would be able to buy that Vivianne Westwood dress.

Hmpf, _I can buy that one anyways_.

I spin the still too-hot coffee cup between my hands and watch as he takes a bite of his sandwich. I should eat a bit of my own.

I don't find it annoying, that people think we're together, I can see why they'd think we are. Just the way we're so careful and yet absolutely not around each other would set those thoughts into anyone's head. Then that I sleep here at least one night a week, and that I own a key of my own...

Our relationship is weird. And why Renji would want us, expect us, to _marry_- he should be the one who gets why we're like this, but also, it's understandable why he's the one who expects us to be together the most.

Ikkaku was his best friend, he still is, even though they don't meet like they used to anymore. But then again, it would be weird for them to hang out like they used to, since they're not in high school anymore, and they're not kids.

I would say that mine and Renji's relationship has changed more than theirs.

_Ah, you're being so sentimental Rangiku~ _

I should change the subject before I drift into areas I don't really want to think about.

I text Renji on my way there, to make sure he really is home, and to be nice and warn him of my arrival. We've been pretty tight lately but he's still all uneasy with me coming and going as I want to.

The moment he opens the door I can see that something's wrong.

"Hi," he greets me like he usually does. "I put on some tea, you want some?" And now I _know_ that somethings wrong.

"Yeah, thanks." He nods and heads back into the kitchen, and I kick my shoes into the pile in the corner.

Minutes later, we're on the couch in the living room, the TV is on and there really isn't anything good on in the middle of the day.

"So, what's up?" I try. It's not normal for us to just sit quietly. It's not normal for us to drink tea_,_ when both of us are coffee people. Besides, it's past noon, so it should really be beer, right? What the fuck's he thinking about?

"Nothing much. Got a job down at Game down town."

"You get a discount?"

"Yeah. What do ya want?" He tears his eyes away from the screen to grin at me.

"Kingdom Hearts II."

"No." Defeated.

"What do you mean _no_? Why not?"

"Cause that's lame, and I'm not gonna support anything like that." He glares at me, in that way so I'll know that he means what he says, but if I really want the game he would get it for me.

But this isn't what I want to talk about, this isn't what I came for. And he knows that too.

"What happened?" My voice is lower this time, and so is his, when he looks back at the screen before answering.

"I slept with him."

I wait for him to continue. _Time_ waits for him to continue.

"When we got back home last Sat he-" I take Renji's hand in mine. This is why I dislike Ichigo. Even if he really hasn't done anything wrong, and he's really great and funny and yes, hot, the way he affects Renji is something I hate.

He who'd finally moved on. Finally gotten back up on his feet, after Rukia.

"I can't help but worry. The way he didn't remember anything the day after, it's not normal." Fuck, that's cold.

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It's rather warm outside as I follow Ikkaku, who's carrying his new dishwasher in his arms. People are moving in big circles around us.

"This sucks." he groans for the tenth time as he shifts the boxed machine in his arms. "Renji should have fixed the car by now."

"You're a man, you can handle it." I hum, not paying much attention to him as I stop here and there to look at the new collections that are displayed in various windows.

"I'm gonna kick his ass the next time I see him."

Hope he's alright. I've always been overly concerned over Renji, I know that, but, I have to be.

There's no one else that cares.

I really am acting like his mother, but then again, I am, at least a little. It's not like I'm old enough to really be. But after seeing him in a bad way more often than I ever could have imagined-

He was the one who helped me, saved me, all those years ago. And when it became too much, was he the one who threw away his pride and asked Ikkaku for help and if he hadn't then I wouldn't be here today.

I wouldn't be forced to install a new dishwasher into a home where I live only half of the time.

"Ikkaku?" Huh? That wasn't my voice. I tear my eyes away from the red dress in the window to see who's greeting us, only to realize that I don't recognize the man – which is weird, since we've pretty much been joined by the hip since high school.

Otherwise could be said of my bald friend, who's looking pretty surprised, and not all that comfortable.

"Yumi?"

"Yes," the man smiles broadly at us, yes me too, now that he's realized that we're together. And it does feel like I've seen him somewhere before. "Wow, I never thought that I would run into you again, it's been quite a while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, you could say that." He puts the machine down on the street, probably glad to have met an excuse to drop it for a while. "What are you up to?"

"I'm taking a course in modeling and make-up," As the wind blows he brings a hand up to move his silky black hair out of his face, and it's amazing and I wanna touch it. "It's only for a month, so I'm living at the hostel two blocks from here."

I feel like I have to interrupt. I feel like I'm missing something important here, so I "cough" and his eyes move to me right away.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, how rude of me!" He gives me his hand, and I accept it. "I'm Ayesegawa Yumichika, I used to know Ike back in the days." Nickname basis, they were probably pretty tight.

"I'm Matsumoto Rangiku, glad to meet you." I glance over at Ikkaku, who looks kind of happy now, like he's found something he forgot he'd lost. "I couldn't help but over hear that you're living at the hostel, that must be awful!"

"It is!" The over animated face he does makes me fall instantly in love with him. "But since it's for a whole month it's not like I can afford to live at a hotel."

"Why don't you live with Ike? He just bought a new dishwasher." It's as big as a microwave oven, so that it'll fit on the counter.

"Oh no, I don't-"

"Nonsense!" I grab his arm and start to walk again, leaving Ikkaku with the big machine once again. "You and your conditioner are more than welcomed!"

"Haha, well Rangiku-chan, I'll accept your offer then. Oh!" He takes my hand again, and his fingers are smoother than any I've ever felt before on a man. "Look at your nails! How healthy, would you let me paint them later?"

I have a feeling that this is someone who I'll have a great time and more with. "Sure!"

Weird however, that Ikkaku used to be friends with someone as metro sexual as this.

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I don't want to complain... or well, I do. It's a bit weird, having about 200 readers but only so few that review. And honestly, it's not worth going through the trouble of posting this if there's so few that enjoy it. I can just continue to write on my own.


	5. Cruel Love

A/N: If this whole review thing doesn't change, this will be the last chapter I post here. There's just no point in going through the trouble of putting this up if there's next to no one who likes reading it. Which is a little sad cause the good shit hasn't even started.  
Music: Blood Money - Luke Pickett or Cruel Love - Luke Pickett. I CAN'T DECIDE D:

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Cruel Love

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Ichigo is like he's always been. Distant, but still so fucking close that it sticks in your nose with every breath you take.

The days go by as they used to and, for all that I know and can see, our gray couch still looks exactly the same. It's depressing. I'm thinking about confronting him about it.

No not the "I fucked you, why can't you remember that?" but the "is there something wrong with you?" part.

I'm just thinking of how to bring it up.

Yeah. That's what I'm doing, waiting for the right moment.

Absolutely.

I kick my shoes into the pile and avoid looking at the couch as I head into the kitchen.

"Welcome home."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Nothing much." That's a lie. I won't call him out on it.

"There's a big fucker of a blue mark on your shoulder." I say instead.

"Yeah, rough training."

Our fridge is next to empty, which is weird since I bough two six packs of beer just yesterday. I grab a can of the all-famous Campbell tomato soup. Yes, we keep it in the fridge, because we keep everything in the fridge - cause it convinces us that we really have food at home, and there's no need to buy any more. It's nicer to look into a half filled fridge than an empty one.

"What're you training for really?" It's something I've wondered about from time to time but always forgot to ask about.

Or just didn't find the angle for. Like his whacked memory space.

"There's a tournament starting this weekend, I'm in the first round since I'm a newbie."

"You're what!" Like, really, shouldn't someone tell someone about something like that?

"You wanna come?" Yes, please ignore the "what!".

I stare at him, in the hope that he might get it into his little head that he should talk about things like that to... to people that are close to him.

Shit.

That Saturday, thanks to Ichigo and his b-line of white teeth and the way he never really smiles truly, I find myself in some huge but still kinda shady underground hall. I plant my ass into a plastic chair that's placed along a row of another hundreds of identical plastic chairs. And of course there's no real space for my legs so I have to choose between either sitting to the side, crossing my legs over my knees like the queerest gay or, walking away with a bruise on each knee.

The air is suffocating, heavy with sweat and dust and-

No, I'm not really feeling hyped about this. Surprised?

Why should I watch someone I like being beat up?

Two girls about my age, if not younger, sit down on the row in front of me and I inwardly growl because the reason they're here is so obvious.

"Did you see the pictures? I can't decide who's hotter!" Pictures? I can get pictures of Ichigo here? I silently groan and call myself pathetic before I lean forward, peeking past blond glossy hair and down onto a flyer, featuring Ichigo, as glossy as the blond girl's hair, wearing only a pair of black shorts and bandages around his knuckles.

Shouldn't he wear gloves?

"Shuu-chan has to win! He's _so_- I could- ah!"

The light in the arena shuts down, spot lights bringing all the eyes towards the centre as each contestant enters from either side of the hall. There's cheering, there's screaming girls here for the fit bodies, there's men here for the fight, for the injuries. And there's me, here because I don't want Ichigo to get hurt, here because I want to get just a little bit closer to him.

It's all very stupid and why is it that every time I have the urge to walk head first into a wall, I'm always in a space with no walls close?

I'm not used to see him around other people, not without me right next to him.

I watch the man standing by Ichigo's side, hand on his shoulder, whispering into his ear, and jealously spreads out like a black lake beneath my feet. They bump their fists against each others, like some sort of secret handshake, and I tell myself that the gorgeous man it just his manager. Just, just, just.

It's when the bell rings that I realize that they're not gonna wear gloves.

I watch as the slightly slimmer man called Shuu-chan by the girls kicks Ichigo in the side, and it's now that I also realize that this is fucking freestyle fighting, and that the lack of a proper 'ring' probably makes this kinda illegal too. If not the sport in itself already is. I don't know, I can't remember. And once again I feel stupid and my stomach twists as Ichigo staggers backwards, as he gets a foot to his chest. But I can't help but cheer as Ichigo hits back, as his fist flies forward and squares Hisagi's face paint.

The longer it goes on, the more on my toes I feel and when finally Ichigo twists his body into mid air and knocks Hisagi's head with his knee I'm clenching my teeth so hard I know I'll have problem opening my mouth later.

Hisagi falls to the side, hitting the mat hard and Ichigo steadies himself on his feet, looking a bit wobbly as Hisagi tries to lift himself up, but having hard trouble since his whole right side has gone limp like a fish out of water, and his arms fold like jelly beneath him. It's really a bit comical, it's like he's lost all control. I bet he can't even feel the arms he's trying to lift himself with.

The judge gets down on his knees in front of Hisagi, slapping the mat as he counts from three to one.

Shit, that means Ichigo's the winner.

As the idiot skips around the arena, hands above his head in victory, I'm moving on autopilot towards the path that will lead me all the way to ground level.

Ten steps down the road Ichigo's arms are wrapped around another male and I stop at the twelfth, the bastards palm flat onto that tanned back just as mine were two weeks ago.

My stomach does a flip and I turn to run up the stairs instead, down the hall and out on the street. Making it around the corner before my knees hit the ground and I lean forward and throw up on the concrete.

Ignoring the taste of bile in my mouth I crawl towards the wall and crash against it, spreading my legs against the not so dirty concrete and wait for the cold wall to seep through my clothes and cool me down. I watch the sun move those final centimeters before disappearing into a blood painted horizon.

There's twenty three rows of neatly laid bricks in the opposite wall, and a small bathroom window destroying the pattern. There's lousy graffiti and ten visible cans further down the alley. It smells like shit. It smells like garbage.

It smells of bile.

I don't know why I'm still here. The sun has set for the day, it's rather cold and this place brings up nasty memories of a life I've left behind.

There's a shadow looming over me and I look up as the boxer from earlier sits down next to me and sticks a bottle in under my nose.

"Want some?"

I grunt before I let the clear liquid clean my mouth.

"What brought you here?" Shuu-chan says after another minute, or a couple. Half a bottle.

"My parents." Cause really, everything can be blamed on them. My whole fucking life can be blamed on them. And it's easier, cause even when I hate his existence more than my life I still can't blame Ichigo for anything.

It's quiet and his hand is fisted tightly around the glass bottle, his shoulders are stiff and even thought we've been still for at least half an hour by now his breath is a bit ragged. I look up at his stony face, a controlled glare directed at the twenty three even rows of brick wall before him.

His eyes meet mine, radiating nothing but slightly changing as I lean forward a bit.

"Wanna fuck?"

I don't answer, just continue forward until our tongues meet, until I'm pushing him back and crawling over him. This is the moment were I feel like my self five years ago again.

The time where I loved and was comfortable with every action I took but still hated myself.

Shuu-chan's ass is squeezing around me, his legs thrown over my arms as I hold him up steady by the hips and move. The back of his shoulders and head is rubbing his coat into the ground and I work harder to create beautiful bruises on my knees.

His hands tug in my hair and I grunt as I lean forward to sink my teeth into his pale skin. His nails feel amazing as they claw down my back and his faint cry as I strike home makes the hairs on my arms stand on edge.


	6. Time Doesn't Heal

A/N: Hmm. Filler chapter, putting my knowledge of bands and songs on the edge... Either way, I'm leaving for London, will be back sometime next week.  
Music: If I Had Eyes - Jack Johnson

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Time Doesn't Heal

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Rangiku is a beautiful girl. I get the feeling people see her as a bit trashy but, with the way she acts around people and with that body, it's a normal reaction.

She has a beautiful personality, even if she's kinda light at times and some of the things she does and says can be taken, and is taken, the wrong way more than often.

"Yumi, wanna go out and by some nail polish with me?" I look up at her where she stands in the doorway of Ikkaku's kitchen, the smile that only disappears on calm nights on her rosy lips.

"Sure. If you'll let me paint your nails afterwards." I haven't had a girl around me in so long, and she really is the perfect dress up doll.

"Was planning on it." Long hair, long nails, big breasts, long legs, eyelashes and soft lips. She's all a woman should be - all I can't be, no matter how hard I try.

In the store it's hard to keep focus, I finally have someone to act out with – and I get the feeling that it's the same for her.

"Let's look at the lip glosses too!"

"Oh, we should match them with each other!"

"And shoes!"

"God yes!"

"There's this wonderful little store two blocks away-"

"With the sweet little guy who-"

"Orders everything in personally!"

The expertise approaches us, and even through it's clear that she want's us to shut up, she asks us if we want any help.

"No, I'm probably better at navigating these shelf's than you are, but thank you." I smile politely at her. "Oh, and your hair looks beautiful." She strolls of with a small smile on her face and I turn back to face Rangiku again.

"What do you think about this golden one?"

"Lovely, if we get this black one and maybe a lightly transparent silver I have just the design in my mind."

"I already have the black one." And then she pouts just lovely. "But it's three for the price of two."

"Then let's get this dark metallic blue, it'll fit great with the golden one."

Then her cellphone rings and when she starts a conversation with the deep voice on the other side her face drops and her smile disappears and I start to realize that I'm an outsider. I've only known her for a little over two weeks.

As she continues to speak we head towards the counter and she hangs up first when we're stepping out of the store.

"Do you think we could head over and manicure our self's at Renji's?" The smile is back.

"Renji?"

"Oh, he's a friend, the one I talked to just now." The one who makes her sad. "I have all my other nail stuff there. I forgot them there last Wednesday, silly me."

"Okay, sure! But we should bring something sweet with us, as thanks for having us over."

When the doors opens a man, probably Renji, pulls my doll into a tight embrace and holds her there for several seconds before he notice me and, stares at me. Reluctantly letting Rangiku go he takes a step towards me and holds out his hand.

"I'm Renji." It feels like I've seen him somewhere before, and really, how could I forget someone like him? Just, _where_?

"Yumichika, I live with Rangiku and Ike for the moment."

"Oh, you're Ike's long lost friend." he laughs and he's _gorgeous_.

"I think we've met before, I have this feeling-"

"Oh!" He interrupts me, and really, that's a minus in my book. "You're _Yumichika!_ You're Ikkaku's other half!"

"Other half sounds so ugly- Oh my god! You're the one who helped him out in the big fights against that fatso gang!"

"Haha, yeah, that would be me."

"Your hair is longer."

"Yup."

"You got more tattoos too."

"Yup."

"Really, the only one who looks about the same as back then is Ike." Rangiku sighs and both me and Renji chuckle lightly.

"Yeah, your boobs grew quite a bit after we graduated." Renji laughs as Rankigu smack him on the head and he heads into the kitchen to put on some coffee, and we sit down at the kitchen table.

.

"You're amazing." Rangiku is looking as her nails as we walk towards home again. "You could make a living on this you know."

"Yeah, but I need to have some sort of education in the area before anyone will even hire me."

"Oh! So that's why you're taking those courses."

"Yes."

"Promise that you'll continue to do my nails even when you become famous okay?" She smacks me lightly on the shoulder and I think that she really would need some more feminine friends, if she had more of them then maybe she wouldn't have such an boyish attitude.

"I'll do your nails, and your hair and your makeup and I'll even continue to go out shopping with you if you want to." I smile politely towards her.

"Yumi!" She throws her arms around me, her breast squeezing against my back. "I'm so glad I met you, Ike refuses to do any of those things with me."

I recognize the stabbing thug in my chest too well as his name falls of her perfectly painted lips. And I know I shouldn't but I can't help but ask how long they've been together.

"We're not." She says bluntly and I actually stop in the middle of the street at her words. _You shouldn't have told me that._ She smiles and laughs lightly "I'm not surprised tho', everyone seems to think that we are. Even Renji, who've known Ike longer than I have refuses to give up on the thought that we should marry."

"But-" Wait, Renji? I thought that he liked her too? That hug, those small smiles, the way he holds her hand- it's a bit much now, it's things like these that gives you gray hair! "Then why do you live together?" _Why do you sleep in the same bed!_

"We don't, I have my own apartment a couple of blocks away from Renji's, it's just that it's in the opposite direction so it's much easier to just stay over. Besides, Ike got food and always buys beer."

"But you sleep in the same bed."

"We've been like that since high school, and it's not like we're _sleeping_ with each other." She smiles at me and takes my hand as we round the corner.

Somehow I'm relived. Why? It's not like I ever have a chance anyway. He've made that clear, _perfectly clear._

"How long have you known each other?" First year of High School is when we started to drift apart...

"Since we started High School, we were in the same class. We didn't get along in the beginning tho', quite the opposite. It was first when... when a lot of shit came down, that things changed."

I can hear it in her voice, how much she cares about the past, and that it's not something she shares with everybody she meets.

"I met Renji through Ike a half year later, they were in the same gang or something, covering each others backs. They're like brothers, but they were much tighter back then, Ike used to pull him along on everything, really, all I'm waiting for is for Ikkaku to kick Renji's ass like he used to, and then everything will be alright again." Her shoulders drop as she sighs.

"Hey, I know it's none of my business but, Renji, when he called you earlier..."

"Reanji's madly in love with Ichigo, more than he can realize really." Her voice is calm and easy, solemn. "Ichigo's his room mate. A couple of weeks ago something happened and he's having a bit of a problem cooping with it since he has to face the man all the time."

"Man!" Renji's _gay!_ But, _Ikkaku-_

"Yeah, oh, don't tell me you have a prob-"

"No! No, absolutely not. Quite the opposite really." I smile goofily at her, hoping that she'll catch the drift – which she does, and we fall into a few seconds of comfortable silence again.

"I don't really know what to do to help him, it's a bit frustrating. I used to tell him to confess to Ichigo but now..."

"Who is this Ichigo really? Renji's gorgeous, did you see his _smile_? And he seems to be ripped too. How can Ichigo turn him down? Oh, he's _straight_ isn't he?" I can't help it, the 'S' word drips out of me like venom.

She smiles lightly before she looks at me. "Oh, you sound as if you have a bit of a crush on Mr. Abarai-san."

"No I-" I'm in love with- _Don't_.

"I have a hard time believing Ichi's straight. Since they fucked some weeks ago."

"They did _what?_ But why- _Rangiku, I don't understand!_" I can't help but whine as I throw my head back.

"Haha, no, I guess it's a bit complicated." Yeah, at least for an outsider.

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I'm quite happy with how Yumi appeared.

Review? :)


	7. The Same One You Lost

Music: UNKLE - Restless

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The Same One You Lost

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Ever been in a bathhouse after closing time? That place that you're used to see so full of life, screaming children with snot running out their noses, the older man looking around nervously to make sure that no one would feel the water getting hotter around him as he piss, the young teenage girls squealing over some guys and discretely pressing themselves up against the ventilation systems. That's what you're used to seeing, that's what's right. Then the clock turns six and everybody has to go home, the pools turns deserted and they even turn off the cleaning systems cause – who really cares if the pool's clean?

It's odd, and you find yourself amazed over the contrast the first times. Much as being in schools at nights, or in a mall. Only the necessary lightning on, the lone security guard taking a stroll before sitting down by a computer to play minesweeper instead cause, really? What could happen?

It's one of the easiest job's ever. Think about it, you have a shift on six hours where you just surf for porn, look at clothes you'll never buy/a pool you'll never swim in and drink some coffee. And you get payed well cause you're working night – and that's though.

And if something were to happen, you don't have any responsibility or obligation to fix it cause no one really counts on someone who lives on donuts to save the day. Or night.

That's why I never hired a security guard. It may have something to do with that I wouldn't be able to sleep in my office if I had one too.

There's nothing worth stealing here anyway.

I hear someone pounding on something three walls away, and if I was a heavy sleeper I could have ignored it. Just as I would've ignored the rain falling on the windows in the room next door. If I had had a security guard he could have checked it out...

Rolling out of the couch I pull on some sweatpants before walking towards the main door.

"We're closed!" We only have open nights Tuesday's, Thursday's and Saturday's. As I close in on the door I can see the kid standing on the other side. Soaked right trough the bones, but with a small grin on his face.

I lean on the glass door, not sure I wanna open yet. Sure of that I want to tease him a bit before I do.

"Open up!"

"Why?"

"I'm cold." Not my problem. He leans in close, his breath hitting the glass on the other side. "I wanna fight."

"We're closed, come back in six hours."

"Come on Grimmy.." His voice slips lower as he press his forehead to the glass, and that wicked grin he can pull off sometimes spreads over his face. "I'll suck you off."

.

This kid that I found beating the sack some time ago, he's a fucking prodigy. 19 years old and fighting skills that make's you wanna call the social welfare office. But you notice that he's never been up against the elite, kid can't keep up more than 20 mins and that's gonna show itself to be a greater weakness than he accepts to agree to.

There's people out there who don't hit back very hard, but don't go down. You have to work them, as you'd work at that memory of your trip to Vegas.

I let him wear himself out, kicking at the pads of my hands, ducking as my own leg moves towards him. He's still no match for me and after an hour he's laying on the math, panting for air.

"That's enough." I say as I go get a bottle of water.

Sitting down on my heals by his defeated form I look down at his damp face. "Here."

He opens his eyes and grabs my wrist, taking the bottle with his other hand. And while opening the pop-up cap with his teeth to drink he crawls over me and I lean back on my hands.

Youths of today, doesn't care about much other than sex and money. Well, can't say that I used to be much better.

I let him lick his way down my chest as he works my growing length through the cotton fabric.

He pulls at the elastic waistband and wraps his hand around me as he nibs at my collarbones. I'd give it to him, he's quite good at this.

His voice is raspy, his throat still dry, his deep moan breaking as he palms himself through his gray cotton sweatpants and I wiggle my hips a bit, my cock just a few centimeters from his lips. He lets go of himself and grabs the water bottle again, gulping half of it down before licking his lips, before licking the head of my dick with a cool tongue.

"Yes..." I hiss as he swirls his tongue around me, swallows and bobs his head. My fingers thread through his hair as he continues to work and I look at the show. His lips grow more swollen as his face flush and he moans as he thrusts into his own hand at the same time, rapidly bringing us both closer to the edge.

It cross my mind, not for the first time, how lewd he is as he rubs his thumb over his own slit and his panting breath is all I can feel on me for a moment as he's gasping for breath. A string of saliva drips from his red lips to run down my length and then he's back, deep throating me, moaning as he comes but keeping me in his mouth through every shudder and swallowing and lapping up every drip as I do the same.

This kid that I found beating the sack some time ago... I haven't used my right hand since.

He looks up at me while licking his fingers clean, his whole body still damp and covered with a bit more than his own sweat at the moment and grins.

"You look like you've had a traumatic childhood." He really does. No one who hasn't would grew up to be what he is right now. Awesome fighter. Awesome BJ-deliverer, awesome in the sack over all and a personality that makes you want to put him on the pill. "Go take a shower."

.

"Do you treat all your fighters like this?"

"What?" I send him a quick glare as I pour myself a cup of coffee, re-heating it in the micro.

"Do you fuck all your fighters and let them wander as they want through these all mighty corridors?"

"No." _And I'm not letting this stupid kid do that either._

"So, I'm a special case?" I don't like the look on his face. Like he think he's figured something out, like he now has the upper hand. He got lots to learn still, you should never take out the win prematurely.

"No." The buzz on his face makes me feel awesome and I take the heated coffee out of the micro and head's towards my office.

"Then wha-"

"I'm keeping you around cause it's something I want to know, that I think you don't want to speak about." His pacing behind me stops, and I turn around to see his reaction as I reach the heavy door. "Plus, I'm not letting you wander anywhere where I don't want you."

I could pay two hundred for a everlasting picture of his puzzled face.

"You stepped into the wrong gym kid." I can't help but chuckle as I think of how small the world is. "Let me tell you something, maybe help you out of that confused state?" Or put you in a even deeper one.

He nods slightly as we enter my office and he crash down on my couch.

"I learned to know this guy when I was twelve, we jumped out of school together at 15 and started our business on the street for real, arranging fights and letting people bet as they wanted. Due to his mother falling ill when we were 16 it took us three years to collect the money we needed to by a permanent place."

The look on his face hasn't cleared, in fact, he looks more puzzled out now than he did before. And I can't help but chuckle before I slowly continue my life story.

"Fucking tumor. He cared a lot about his family, every year he used to run away from his mom for about a month, go back to this little small town where his dad lived with his siblings. Fuck, he always talked about them, telling me how much they'd grown, showing pictures. Especially of his little brother, he was so proud of him, talking about how they spent a lot of time training together and what an amazing fighter he would become.

"When we had both turned 18 we bought this place. Then, two months later his beloved mother died."

It was so long ago, it's amazing how time pass. It makes one feel so old, thinking about the past. Shit, it was _ten years_ ago.

"His mother was the only reason he was in this city, otherwise he would be with the rest of his family, with his beloved brother. And when she died, he had no reason to stay. So he didn't."

I look at Kurosaki, who's still just staring at me. I think it's starting to dawn at him.

"I haven't seen him in nine years. His name, I'm sure you'll recognize it. Kaien Shiiba." Yeah, he did. His eyes widen even more, and this light shake of his head, as if he wants to deny it.

"This favorite brother of his, his name was Ichigo. Ichigo _Shiiba_." And as I continue talking the kid starts to shake his head more and more.

"The thing is, if you ignore the hair, you look exactly like him. But your name is _Kurosaki_, you said so yerself." His head falls forward, into his hands as he hunch.

"The world really is small you know. If you had started working out at any other gym no one would know. I'm the only one in this town who knew about your existence, and I'm the only one who knows that Kaien's mother's, _your_ mother's, maiden name was _Kurosaki_."

"No." It's faint.

"But that's not why I'm keeping you around, see, I could figure that out all on my own."

"No, no-"

"What I want to know is, if you're here, _why the fuck ain't Kaien here with you?_"

.

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Please review? :D


	8. Tastes Like Gold

A/N: Ah, it took a while to update! No motivation... but lets just blame it all on x-mas and new years. It's good to be sober again... yeah...  
Music: Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows

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Tastes Like Gold

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Breasts are amazing.

Oh, that sounded kinda perverted. But that's okay, I'm a man, I have the right to think as such.

Rangiku is pressed up against my side, her breasts squeezing themselves in against my ribs. I've come to realize, through the times that this has happened, that her boobs are softer in the mornings than at night. And smoother too. But it's way too hot! I've never been good at sleeping with others, it's only nice the first five minutes, then the heat becomes unbearable.

Her left arm is thrown over me, her right arm below her, fingers teasing by my hip. I take her arm and gently try to roll her over onto her back instead so I can get out of the bed. It all goes well and I throw my legs over the edge as I sit up and stretch my back, rolling my shoulders and lifting my arms above my head.

Ignoring my morning wood, damn Rangiku, I pull on my sweatpants and stroll towards the kitchen.

"Good morning sunny!"

I just grunt at Yumi, (he's way too cheery way too early) and sit down at one of the chairs, dropping my head to rest at the kitchen table. There's some shuffling as I listen to him moving around in the kitchen, and then there's a light tap as he puts down a cup of coffee in front of me.

"Thanks." I sit up, and lean back and look at one of my oldest friends as he lazily flips through one of his or Ran's girly mags.

A few minutes later he tears his gaze from the glossy paper and glares at me. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Then stop staring." For some reason that line makes me chuckle.

"I thought you liked when people noticed you."

"I do, you're just a special case." No, don't remind me of that crap.

Like a guardian angel, Rangiku enters just at that moment, and distracts me from everything that I don't want to think about. The past that I don't want to bring up again.

Damn you Yumi, we're finally back together, back to being side by side just as we should be, don't go and destroy it again. Don't bring all that shit up again.

"Mornin'"

We hold our eyes to each others as she goes around the kitchen, opening cabinets and bringing forward all that she wants for her breakfast before she sits down at the table.

"Hey beautiful, sweet dreams?"

"Mm... I was in a mall-"

"Starts out wonderful." he hums, eyes once again landing on the glossy paper.

"Mm, but the floor was all tilted, so I couldn't walk around without holding on to something. It was highly annoying, cause I couldn't hold on to the shelves, they just kept on spilling things out and falling as soon as I came into contact with them. It wasn't nice."

.

We're walking side by side again. Me, with a six pack in each hand and him with a boxes of low fat pizza. It's just like in the good old days.

When we would spend every day in each others presence. When we would just walk around without a destination, after some time we would get hungry. We would go to this place that didn't check ID's and by a six pack or two, and then he would choose whatever low calorie fast food that he felt like and we would continue our journey through the town.

Then there were all the gangs, and Yumi's mouth seemed like it could never shut up about their leader's bad taste and lack of style. It was thanks to him that I became ripped by the age of ten or something.

Then there was that day.

I had just taken care of Rangiku's current boyfriend after a panicked call from Renji. Still have no idea of how they got to be such good friends.

Gin, he was being taken care of by some left-over from his gang as Yumi rounded the corner and stepped up to me, a new shirt already in his hand.

_"You okay?"_

_"Yeah, just small scratches."_

I could barely stand straight.

After that day things got uncomfortable, and we started to avoid each other. We drifted apart. The fights got fewer until they pretty much stopped. I had to start buying my own clothes. And I don't think that I've eaten a low calorie pizza since.

_"I'm in love with you."_

_._

"Ike."

Damn you woman, let me watch the game. I know she won't. If she's got something to say, she'll say it, and she'll be sure to have my attention while doing it. But one can always try to ignore her.

"Ike!" She crosses the living room area and stops before me, effectively blocking half the TV.

"Let me watch the game, woman." I grunt, and as a result she sighs and crosses her arms over her chest. Then she turns her head to look at the screen, then back to me. And then she crawls on top of me, straddling me.

I have to raise my arm over my head to not spill beer all over her, and let my head drop back over the edge of the couch to keep looking her in the eye.

"_Matsumoto_."

"I need you to help me with Renji." she says.

"No." As for that, she smacks me upon the head with the palm of her hand.

"He can't keep on going like that! I know you can help him so, just... go over there and do your thing."

"My thing?" I can't help but laugh at that, and she smacks me on the head again.

"Kick his ass as you did back in the day." Her arms fall from where they're crossed over her chest to land on mine instead, and she lets all the air in her slip out in a deep sigh. Her head falls to rest on my shoulder and I let the hand that I'm resting on her thigh go up to her back instead, pressing my beer bottle down between two separate cushions before bringing that hand to her back as well.

I hear the door open, and look up from a massive amount of bronze blond hair to see Yumi standing in the door opening. For a few seconds we just stare at each other, then he turns and close the door behind him again.

Oh, that wasn't very good. It feels like I'm doing everything wrong lately.

Having people who count on you, it feels good but... _but nothing. Be grateful for what you have_.

.

It's a couple of hours later that I'm knocking on Renji's door. And Ichigo opens it.

"Hey."

"Hey, is Renji in?" I feel a bit bouncy. It's been a while since I did this.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Great." I push my way past the kid and head for Renji's room. Banging on the door once before opening it and stepping inside.

He's sitting on his bed, guitar in his lap, and he's looking mildly surprised by my arrival.

"Hey-"

"Get up." I interrupt him and it makes him frown as he slowly lays his guitar down on the bed and stands up. As soon as he's on his feet I grab him by the collar and push him up against the closest wall.

"Whoa! Ik-"

"I thought that we were past this." I can't help but grin widely.

"I-" My knuckles meet his face, hard and fast. His eyes are wide as I pull back, but still holding him up against the wall with my other hand.

"Renji!" I glare at him, and he shuts his mouth up. "Get your act together. What you're doing isn't good for anyone, least off all yourself. Just let it go and move on."

"But-" I punch him one more. And I will do it again if he tries to find more excuses.

"Renji. It. _Won't_. Happen. He _doesn't_ like you. Get over it." I continue to burn a hole through his head with my eyes, holding his stare. After a few seconds his brows knit themselves together. I can't help but smirk widely at the sight.

"Thanks."

"Wanna go out and drink?"

"Yeah," he laughs as I back away and finally let go of his shirt. "I'll probably need something, my face will start to really hurt in a bit."

As we get out of his room Ichigo eyes us warily and I end up pushing Renji in the back to make sure he doesn't stop. And to make sure that he doesn't invite the kid to come with us.

We need to drink, a lot. And then I'm gonna have him fighting (if not some punk then me) and if he refuses to fight that'll just mean that he'll get beat up so much more.

Of course I know that one night won't fix it, but hopefully it'll help. It's an old method applied to a new issue.

.

* * *

I went to the record store. I wanted a UNKLE album, cuz I don't have one and it's shameful ...Ofc they didn't have any, they never do, so I ended up buying my third the Knife album instead. As well as a Placeo and a Queens of the Stone Age... I feel so good.

Please review? :)


	9. A Time And A Place

A/N: For you who's reviews I can't answer cuz they're anon or you don't have some e-mail or something connecting you to this page (SRSY I HAVE NO IDEA) - Thank you, I do appreciate them. I whish I was able to respond properly. Also, I got Plurk yesterday, and I have no one to follow (and wise verse), so if you feel like it - add me :) Name's Babyluw - as always.  
Music: UNKLE - Lonely Soul

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A Time And A Place

.

I stare in front of me, holding my gaze steady at the dirty reflection of myself just a few meters away.

"You want to order something, sir?" I don't have to shift my gaze to see that the blond bartender is talking to me.

"Yeah, can I have another Gin and Tonic?"

"Sure thing."

I lick the insides of my teeth as I wait for him to prepare it for me, staring through the dirty mirror at the small crowd that is sitting at the tables in the background. Smiles, overly animated faces, gestures, laughter, small chitchat.

"Here you go!" The rounded glass lands on a bar coaster in front of me.

"Thank you." I nod at Rose with a small polite smile.

"You've always been so formal." He smiles as he walks away to take care of another customer.

"As have you." I roll my neck, feeling a bruise from yesterday's fight and decide to let my coat fall from my shoulders to then place it over my lap. There is nothing that will happen tonight.

Taking a small sip from the drink I place it back on the coaster, letting my nails tap the glass lightly as I listen in on the conversation closest to me.

"You know what he said?" The woman straightens on her stool, her shoulders tense. She is angry, her whole body says so. Frustrated. "_I've found someone else._" Her voice sinks into another tone as she imitates whoever.

Her friend raises her hand over her mouth, as if to act surprised. Her eyes could tell anyone that she was not. As well as her slightly tensed shoulders, which have slipped forward a bit, the leg she has crossed over the other, and the other arm that she has pulled loosely around her. She is shrinking into a protective stance.

"Can you believe that!" The blond's hair falls over her back as she continues to cry out over the conversation, oblivious to her friends uncomfortable behavior. "And then I ask _'who?' Who_ the fuck has he found that's better than _me?_"

"And what did he say?" The friends eyes flicker, from the woman to the bartender, to me to the two men at the closest table.

"That _that_ had nothing to do with it. Ah! I can't believe him! We've been together for a year!" Her hand falls down flat against the bar coaster and she grabs her beer to drink.

"You've been together for two months." The friend corrects her as she vaguely avoids her friends eyes.

"I know, but we were together for five months last year too, you know. And we used to meet a lot during the times he was together with Caroline, we even met when he dated Tanako! You remember Tanako?"

"Yeah."

"We should really give her a call." The woman seems to settle down a bit and I turn my head to look towards the stage as another bar worker shifts one of the amps a little, plugging it up with an acoustic guitar.

"Who's playing tonight?" I ask the bartender when he walks by me.

"Renji Abarai." He fills a glass with cider and gives it to the girl who just pressed herself between the angry woman and me, bills in her hands. "He works at a game store at the moment I think, he's just here to earn some extra." Handling the girl her drink and taking the money from her she smiles before turning to look at me.

"He's awesome! I've seen him here before, brought all my friends over when I heard that he would play again." she smiles broadly, lightly intoxicated.

"Yeah, he's a real lady killer." Rose chuckle. "But he's quite good too, writes all his music by himself. It feels good to support someone like that you know?" I nod, taking another sip from my drink and glance towards the stage.

"Oh! Look! There he is!" She raises her hands up in the air and cheers and I just have to look up at the scene.

I recognize the man instantly. And there is no reason for why I should not, since we had quite the moment together just some week ago.

"I'm so gonna marry him, he's gorgeous!" the small lady says next to me, now having moved from the bar so that she could see a little better.

"I do not think that is possible." I say as I look at Renji, who have received his guitar from the worker and is now rigging himself up before stepping up to the mic.

"Oh, I know I'm not that hot but hey, I have the same chance as every other girl." Her hand touches my shoulder, not in a flirtatious way.

"No, that is not what I meant." I smile as I recall the dark alley, and how he laid me back on my coat. "He is not straight."

I hear a splash and turn to look at the young woman as she stares up at me, half her drink now gone. "You're kidding right?"

"I'm afraid not." I smile apologetically towards her.

"You-" she snarls and then bites down on her lip, "you _guys_, you always steal the best men." Laughing she shakes her head and turns to head back to her table, and her friends. "I should have known."

I do not say anything, just keep on looking at Renji who is still on stage. Maybe I should try to talk to him afterwards? It's not like we meant for it to be anything more than a single one time relief thing, a use and be used kinda thing. But it was not like we said that it could never happen again.

And there is no need to deny that I enjoyed it. There was something about him, the way he moved. Like he was filled with anxiety. Pouring his all into every little touch. Like he felt worse than everybody around him. Like what he is going through is something that can not be fixed.

It is the same when I watch him on stage now.

It is a single guitar, acoustic, and his voice, but the power that he has over the place, like he had cast a spell. No noise, no laughter.

When he takes longer and higher tones his voice becomes so intense that it surely makes every heart in this place ache. And when it shatters and he pulls away from the microphone to breath.

I find him really interesting. He, is _fascinating_.

I want to see him again. I want to be near him.

_If I can save him, maybe he can save me._

.

When he nods his thanks and makes to step down from the stage and head into the back room, I press myself past the scattering crowd and walk up to the small stage. There is no fence, is a too small bar for them to bother.

"Renji!" When he turns and our eyes meet he freezes for a second before a grin spreads out over his gorgeous face.

"Shuu-chan. Didn't think I'd ever see ya again." How does he know that nick name? And it is as if he can read my mind, which is not really that hard considering the face I have on right now, the grin drops off his face. "Oh, you don't mind if I call ya that right? It's what all the girls called you at the match."

"No, I guess I am used to it by now." I smile, it seems like the right thing to do. And really, with him in front of me, it is not as hard as it usually is.

"Good, I kinda like the name." The way he laughs perfectly conceals all the misery that he poured out of him up on the stage. "Do you wanna, do something?"

"I was actually gonna ask you that. Let me treat you to a beer?"

"Sounds good."

He puts his guitar down into a classical guitar case, foddered with red silk. Then pulls on a thin light green jacket with golden buttons and nods towards the back door.

"Let's go somewhere else, I don't feel like talking with the crowd tonight."

"Don't care for your fans?" I carefully close the heavy door behind me as we step out into the cool night and start walking to another neighborhood bar.

"Hah, don't make me sound like such a snob! Course I do," He throws his free arm over my shoulder and leans in, coming face to face with me. "But I wanna focus on you tonight, if that's okay?" The sexual intention is dripping of off him and as our eyes meet again I can once again detect a bit of that pain that I saw the last time.

"It is perfectly fine by me."

"Man, never thought I'd see your pretty face again." he laughs and we turn around the corner up on a bigger street. "Where do ya wanna go?"

"Where do you live?" I know what I am implying with that question. And he knows it too.

"A few blocks from here, you?" But still he is playing it light. I do not know if he is actually interested, just wants to keep talking, or if he does not really want to go to his place if he can avoid it without too much trouble.

"On the other side of town." He raises one tattooed eyebrow at that as he glances down on me. "I was just here because the bartender is an old friend of mine and I had to borrow a key from him."

"You know Rose?"

I nod at his question and we round another corner.

"Hm."

"I know Love too." I say, to keep the easy conversation going just a little bit longer. His fingers are playing over my collarbone, making goosebumps spread over my skin as heat rises within me.

"Then I'm guessing you've met the so called gang?" He smiles, probably remembering.

"Yeah, I have known them for years. I used to be together with Kensei."

"I don't think I remember him. I've only met them a few times."

"He moved to New Zealand almost two years ago."

"Oh, then I never saw him." We cross another street and his nails scrape my skin. It is so good and I let my arm sneak around his waist. "Should I be glad for that?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, with how the others are. I've never met a girl as perverse as Lisa, and Shinji and Hiyori, craziest couple ever. And then the gentle giant and the circus girl? I mean, is Kensei also able to make a living out of crawling into a box?"

"Haha, no. He was probably the most normal out of them, if you do not count Rose and Love. He used to take care of the wild animals at the city zoo. He got called to New Zealand to take care of some tigers."

"And ya call that normal? Baby, I have no chance."

I pinch his side and he squirms a little, before walking straight again.

"Yeah, it is completely normal to tattoo ones eyebrows and sleep in alleys."

"Hey! I wasn't sleeping."

"Staring at a wall in front of you." I correct myself.

"Yeah. Besides, it was a one time thing."

"Okay, good."

He smiles and turns to look at me, coming mere centimeters from my face. "Why?" And I lean in, speaking against his lips.

"Just glad that you do not fuck in alleys everyday. You would catch a cold."

He gives me a light peck on the lips before stopping and turning his head away from me.

"We're here." And it takes me a moment to realize what he is talking about but his arm falls from my shoulders, his hand travelling down my back as he leads me up a small stairway and into an elevator.

It seems like we have no reason to continue speaking, so we don't. His lips are hot against mine as he backs me up against the mirror and press some buttons. His string calloused fingertips slide up my neck, over my cheek and into my hair and I grab him by his sides and try to pull him a tad bit closer as we shakily move upwards.

It stops with a ping and the doors open, I fist my hand into his shirt as he backs away and up against a door.

"I don't know if my roomie's home, so be a tad bit discrete the first few seconds." Is that why he did not want to go to his place?

"Roger."

He opens the door and I follow his example and kick my shoes off into a pile of others as we enter the apartment. He drops his jacket into a chair as he looks around the dark room.

"Guess we're cool."

"Mmh." I hum as I look around the living room, not really getting why all the doors are closed but it probably has something to do with the roommate.

Renji's hands find my sides and he pulls me to him. "Want something to drink?"

"You?" I put on a smile, to match the cheesy line, and he laughs once again before leaning in and kissing me, teeth pulling at my lip as we part and he opens the door to his room, kicking it closed behind us.

He pulls his t-shirt over his head, tossing it towards the messy desk beneath the window and I let myself stare at the display of tattoos and muscle that was revealed before me as he presses the play button on his stereo and then steps up to me again.

"I'm not reading the situation wrong here right?" He smirks as his hands goes in under my shirt, pulling it upwards, as he goes over my shoulder blades I lift my hands over my head so that he can pull it off.

"No, you are spot on."

There is a husky mans voice coming out from the speakers, followed by a woman's before the first track really starts. Strong bass. Heavy instrumental, emotions reeking out from every pore. No wonder he likes this.

Two of my fingers scrape down his pelvis and into his bleached jeans, tugging, pulling him closer to me as I lean in to kiss him again, and nibble on his lips. His arms circle around my body and he press me up flushed against him, holding me tight as he ravages my mouth.

I tug my own pants down to mid thigh before doing the same with his. As we fall down on the bed he pulls them off the rest of the way.

It is a lot like the last time, even if my back is now pressed against a rather soft mattress instead of a cold street, and there is thumping music surrounding us instead of cool night breezes. His touch is still hard but so slow, as if he is trying to be more gentle than he really wants. His fingertips are pressing into my lower back, massaging, and digging into muscles that have long since stiffened through stress and training.

As he bites and nibbles down my chest, fingers enter me and even though I do not really care about pain or the lack thereof, it is a bit nicer when he uses more lube than the condom and spit provides before he enters me this time.

Our lips rubs against each other, our breath mingles as we gasp, but neither of us lets our tongue leave our mouths. I press my hips upwards, meeting him at every deep thrust. And for a few seconds there is just our panting to be heard, before the next deep rhythmic bass song starts. His fingers dig into my hip, my back and my fingers dig into his sides, feeling his ribs, and into his shoulder and neck, prodding at the bundles of anxiety I find there.

It feels like no time at all and an eternity at the same time, it feels like I am in the space between, hanging in limbo. I am hypnotized by his movements, the heavy music and his thrusts that matches them so well. But I realize that that is not true as the album ends and a mechanical sound can be heard from the stereo as it on auto shifts to start the next record. I am reminded of my aching muscles, my uncomfortable arousal, my need to get off even if I do not really want to.

My hands slide easily over his sweaty skin as I kiss up his jaw, panting against his chin, pressing my lips against his and moaning as he bites down on them.

We move out of the tact, raising our tempo and his hand closes around my aching member. My back arches as I try to hold myself back just a little bit longer, my legs forcing him deeper. A deep grunt escapes him, being heard over the music and he squeezes me a bit harder as he comes.

And now there is no reason for me to hold back any longer, not that I can. My walls tumble and I close my eyes as I can feel myself clamping down around him, feeling him shudder against my shoulder as he leans forward to kiss it.

I gasp as he pulls out of me, my legs falling dead against the sheets just as he falls exhausted to my side. I still have not opened my eyes, the rushing of blood and euphoria still seeping through my veins.

He is laying on my arm and I lay still as I feel his heartbeat slowing down and listens to a band I have not heard since my teenage years. I know the lyrics inside and out.

Once I do open my eyes and turn to look at him, he is already sleeping deeply.

.

* * *

This chapter's HUGE. Like, normally I cut around 2k, this is over 3k.

First time writing a proper RenShuu scene. Please Review?


	10. Worried Ground

A/N: Realized yesterday that I have trice as much work left to do on my senior project than what I thought. Fucking great.  
Music: Johnossi - Worried Ground

* * *

.

Worried Ground

.

"His mother was the only reason he was in this city, otherwise he would be with his family, with his beloved brother. And when she died, he had no reason to stay. So he didn't." _Fuck_. Is this really happening? Calm down Ichigo, you can handle this, you are in control.

I can't believe this! Do things like this really happen? Just my luck.

I stare at the imitating blue haired monster before me as he tears up everything I've worked so hard to bury. But should I really be surprised? When have things ever gone my way?

"I haven't seen him in nine years. His name, I'm sure you'll recognize it. Kaien Shiiba." Of fucking course I recognize it, he's my fucking brother. It'd be weird if I didn't. It would be wonderful if I didn't. _I wish I didn't._

"This favorite brother of his, his name was Ichigo. Ichigo _Shiiba_." Can I deny it?

I can always try. How much can he really know, how sure can he really be?

"The thing is, if you ignore the hair, you look exactly like him. But your name is _Kurosaki_, you said so yerself." This isn't happening to me. It must be some dream. It's too unreal. He's just pulling a stunt on me. Oh, _fuck_, my thoughts are running in loops.

"The world really is small, you know. If you had started working out at any other gym no one would know. I'm the only one who knew about your existence, and I'm the only one who knows that Kaien's mother's, _your_ mother's, maiden name was _Kurosaki_."

"No." I can't help but let the word slip. My thoughts are too strong and all over the place to hold back any longer. Calm down, count to five. Focus.

"But that's not why I'm keeping you around, see, I could figure that out all on my own." He knew from the start, from the moment I stepped through those doors. _For all these months._ That thought somehow pushes me towards the edge and I can feel myself slipping to that other place again.

"No, no-" No. No. No, no no nononono. Pull it together, calm down.

"What I want to know is, if you're here, _why the fuck ain't Kaien here with you?_"

_Kaien. Big Bro_.

"_Come on, I'll teach you how to punch for real." He makes a fist of his hand and holds it out in front of me. I mimic him. "No, like this, you see? You have the thumb on the outside. If you have it in your hand and hit real hard you'll dislocate your thumb."_

I need to get out of here.

"WHERE THE HELL IS KAIEN?"

"I PUT HIM IN A _COMA!_" Oh, fuck. "I BROKE HIS FINGERS! I STUCK A KNIFE THROUGH HIS WRIST! I DESTROYED HIS DREAMS AND TOOK AWAY HIS FUTURE! I MADE HIM LOSE HIS JOB, HIS SCOLARSHIP AND APPARENTLY _YOU!_ I BROKE HIS FUCKINGS _LEGS!_"

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I do realize that I've lost my cool. That I'm turning into that person that I don't want to be. I do try to stop myself, thinking about everything that's dear to me, everything that I may be sacrificing right now. And I know that I should, for real, just shut the fuck up – but I'm not strong enough to stop myself.

"Ich-"

"HE GAVE ME EVERYTHING AND I TURNED IT AGAINST HIM!" My body is flying across the room, and I can see the fist that my brother helped me perfect through years of training moving beyond my control to square into Grimmjow's solar plexus.

Grimmjow is a star fighter, and he really is quite a lot stronger than me, but catching someone off guard gives one quite the leap. Still, his hands close around my wrist before I pull my hand back from his now hunched forward form. His head falls to rest lightly on my shoulder and he holds my lower arm in a death grip.

"Everybody who gets close to me gets hurt. _And Kaien was the closest of them all_." My voice sounds like venom, but at least I'm not screaming at the top of my lungs anymore. "He isn't here because I didn't tell him." My free hand is moving from my side to reach for the ceiling, and my nails dig into my palm. "And you won't tell him either."

Grimmjow's unconscious form falls against me, and I back away, letting him slide to the floor, my fist having successfully knocked him out with a blow to the head.

.

When I managed to calm the fuck down and take in the mess that I'd caused this time around - Grimmjow's unconscious form on the floor, I'd grabbed his cell and called the guy who'd appeared most on his calls list.

A grumpy voice had answered, and there was no reason for it to be happy, considering the ungodly hour. I hadn't bothered to check if it really was the owner of the phone who'd answered, and just prayed that it was as I told him to move his ass to K:O before hanging up.

I didn't like to say too much, I didn't want him to remember my voice. I looked down on Grimmjow who was still lying on the floor, moving his body into a recovery position before I sneaked out.

Fuck.

I thought that if I just held my distance and didn't get emotionally involved I would be able to control the situation, and above all, myself.

It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I was just to be another person in the crowd, a no one. Not recognized by any one, not waking any suspicions. Concealed and camouflaged by the mass that is the city.

As much as Kaien liked to talk he sure hadn't mentioned jack shit about anything that could be of use. Fucking big brother.

I enter a big park and make my way to a tree that's placed far from the few people that are still in here at this hour, kicking the tree a couple of times before I sit down on the wet grass with my back against it.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck.

It's slipping out of my hands again, I'm still not strong enough. Everything went wrong, and their voices are still so clear in my head.

"_What the fuck is going on here?"_

"_Shit! There's so many of them!"_

"_Run!"_

Learn from your past. Don't be just another human, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. How much money would it take to leave?

Boxes, renting a car, gas.

The real problem is money. I would need a job.

A new apartment... I could just rent a room as I did when I came here.

No. I'm not leaving again. I'm not running away, not again.

But I really shouldn't be around others.

Oh, fuck. Renji. I can barely look him in they eye anymore.

I really need to fix that, maybe I could just talk to him. Hah! Like that could ever happen. What would I even say, there is nothing to make up for my behavior. I'm sorry, I tend to act out on my urges. It's nothing that I have under control. I never have, _but I will_. Yeah, I will.

"_Ichigo, I love you."_

"_Heh. Oh, this is hilarious."_

The way he looks at me, the way his eyes flicker over my whole being, like he's seeing straight through me. I've never felt so exposed under someone's gaze. I've never wanted to hit someone so much, and still stand perfectly still so that I wouldn't move out of their sight.

I sigh, running my hands through my hair as I pull my legs up so that I can rest my elbows against my knees. I should just disappear, but I don't want to. I never want to run away again.

I know he will be better off without me, but still I don't want to believe it, I don't want him to be perfectly fine without me. Even if I can't have him, I want him to have me, I want him to like me, accept me, love me.

I groan out loud and rub my palms into my eyes as yet another memory floods my mind.

_He wasn't breathing, standing, frozen in time and place._

_And then, and then- his arms were so tight around me. His breath so ragged. His gasps. His heart beating so fast. So heavy, leaning his full weight on me._

"_Rukia..."_

I was so jealous of her. The way she hugged him, kissed him, laughed with him and openly loved him – it was something that I've never been able to do. Believe me, I've tried. The memory of what happened that time is still too clear, and the dreams of that day are still too vivid.

"_Take Orihime and run!"_

It's still too early, I need more time. I need to get stronger, and then, then maybe I would be able to finally _live_. It would be so nice, to not have to worry, to not have to plan every day, to take it easy and not always be on the alert.

But can I really face Grimmjow?

"_WHERE THE HELL IS KAIEN?"_

I don't want to, but I have to. Why does everything always happen around me, why is there never a boring moment? I just want peace.

"_Ich-"_

It has stopped raining some hours ago, but it's still dripping lightly from the three that I'm under and my hair that was already damp doesn't dry thanks to that and the moist air. Mud is soaking through my pants and it doesn't take long before I lose my patience with it and stand up to leave.

But where should I go? I don't want to go home, Renji will most likely be there. And that Shuuhei guy might be there too.

I can't go back to K:O – for obvious reasons. If Grimmjow saw me now he would probably knock me out just to prove that he's still the stronger one. Fuck, _how could I let that happen?_

I still have my wallet on me, so I guess I could try finding some hostel to check into for the night. Or I could just walk around until morning, it's past three already. Renji is either already asleep or he's in the middle of fucking. If I wanna sneak in without getting noticed or having to pop pills to be able to sleep through his pounding music I should head home about five.

It's thirty to five when the rain starts pouring again and I give up and start to head home.

With my luck, _oh, my luck_, how amazing it has been for the whole of my life! I must have been born under one of the shittiest stars in the universe. But now, _with my luck_, I manage to open the door to our apartment – only to bump right into Shuuhei who's in the middle of sneaking out.

Why couldn't I have arrived five minuets later when he would have been gone?

Why couldn't I have been five minutes earlier, when he would still be dressing in Renji's room?

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have anything against the man. We've actually never really talked, just got introduced to each other one night – before I got the hell out of here to avoid the situation. I just don't want to talk to anyone right now.

I sigh as I step into the apartment, making him back up a few steps.

"Why are you always sneaking out? I'm pretty sure Pine wouldn't mind if you stayed." I kick my shoes off as I look at him. His shoulders hunch and an apologetic look settles on his face, but nothing reaches his eyes. Nothing ever reaches his eyes.

"I'm sorry. Is he-"

"No no, I didn't mean it like that." I interrupt him before he can apologize. I don't like when people apologize to me. It makes me feel awkward. "But it's pouring outside."

He looks at me, then shifts his weight to his other leg before opening his mouth.

"I can't stay." It's a simple line but, something about it tugs at me.

But it isn't my place to care, so I nod and step out of the way so that he can move past me.

"Thank you."

"I would appreciate if you didn't hurt him." But who the hell am I to talk?

"That's why I'm leaving."

I just nod again, and he closes the door.

.

* * *

I don't like this chapter. And I practically re-wrote it. Baby needs a hug and a massage.

Drop me a review, tell me you like this. Or something.


	11. Happy And Sad Music

A/N: I have to explain something! It might not have been clear for anyone other than me but, there are time skips in this story! Not if you go down on each individual - all of the chapters out of Renji's POV follow a straight time line, as well does all of Ichi's and all of Grims aso, aso. But if you look at it in the way that I post the chapters, there are small jumps back and forward. For example, chapter 9 (A Time and a Place, Shuu POV) takes place before chapter 7 (The Same one you Lost, Grimm POV). I hope you understand. Also, they don't follow day by day, this is actually a whole month after the incident where Ichi knocks Grimmjow out. There's a limit to how much filler I want to write, and one to how fast I think things should happen. I apologize for not explaining this earlier! If you want to understand the time line better, tell me and I'll draw a map up for the next chapter :D

Music: Mt Eden Dubstep - Sierra Leone

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Happy And Sad Music

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"Have ya moved in here now?" I ask the blunette that's sitting by my kitchen table. I've grown pretty used to seeing him here the past month. He just raises an eyebrow and grins as he always do when he sees me. It's really quite disturbing.

"Maybe I like it here."

"Ya know, I'm quite broke, so I would have to charge ya." I pour myself a cup of coffee and continue to glare at him as he raises his hands in submission and laughs.

"Hey hey! Ya know I'm poor too! And I'm just visiting Ichi." And the mouse walks right into the trap.

"Ichigo isn't even here right now."

"So? I'm visiting you then. No worries honey, he'll be back soon." I can just sigh. I don't have it in me to jibber with this man right now. In fact, I have nothing against him.

"Why ain't ya ever at yer place?"

"We're at my place all the time."

"Yeah? So, why can I hear ya fucking all the time?" I'm not even bothered by it anymore. I can, truthfully say that I'm almost completely over Ichigo. I mean, I have Shuuhei, I've moved on. And it doesn't hurt when I see Grimmjow's arm around Ichigo anymore either. But it's not very fun to deal with customers when you haven't slept very well...

I still love Ichigo. He broke my heart, I will never be able to forget him.

"Cause the berry doesn't like to sleep in my bed."

"Huh?" Ichigo isn't the kind to complain over things, right?

"Yeah, he says that it's too hard and that a couch can never be a proper replacement and yada yada."

"You don't have a bed?" Why do I know so little about the people that I live with?

"Well, it would be a little suspicious to have a bed in my office when the fucking health inspector comes by." And there's that grin again. I'm starting to feel a little frustrated, not to mention confused.

"You _live_ in your office?"

"Well, I _sleep_ in my office. I usually eat by the big mats, do my business and shower in the locker rooms and porn surf on the the front desk computer."

"Wait. That sounds kinda like-"

"A gym maybe?" He looks at me with a mildly surprised expression. "You didn't know I was the owner of K:O?"

"K:O?" I've heard of that before. Shit, that's '_the gym_' Ichi mentions from time to time? And he's the owner, and personal trainer, manager and boyfriend. Wow, Grimmjow's quite amazing.

"Yeah."

"No, you haven't told me."

"Well, I've been pretty much living here for over a month so I just assumed. The berry should have bragged about me."

"Ichi and I doesn't talk much like that."

"I noticed. Shouldn't you guys be tight or something?"

"We're not on bad terms or anything, he just, doesn't say anything about himself." Or is it that he just doesn't say anything to me?

"Yeah, I can imagine." Have he told Grimmjow about things?

_Of fucking course he has_. He's fucking the man, and I know that that doesn't mean jack shit, he's practically living together with him, and that means _nothing_ too. They're _together_.

Grimmjow is Ichigo's _boyfriend_. I know that. I am okay with that.

"He's been living here for two years now, I still don't know shit about him."

"You wanna know?" His words are light but serious, and they make me freeze for a second. I was right, he do know. But, is he serious?

I eye him warily, cause I have this suspicion that he's just asking me to see what I would answer, but having no intention upon acting out on it. "Of course I wanna know." I can't help but glare at him, and hold his gaze. "But I don't know if it's right for you to tell me." If Ichigo doesn't want me to know, then maybe it's the best for me to stay away.

Maybe it's best for me to be left in the dark. But-

I want to know everything about the enigma that is Kurosaki Ichigo.

"Tell me."

.

I'm laying in a sort of coma on the couch. My gray couch.

And for once I hate the deed that I participated in right here for a completely different reason.

Grimmjow's words are running through my head over and over again. I thought that what he would say would make me understand things a bit more, but I'm more confused than ever.

He just made the whole thing much more... more.

Ichigo.

When will you leave my mind?

There's a knock on the door but I don't get up until half a minute later when the person bangs a little harder and I realize that I'm the only one home.

"Am I disturbing?" Shuu-chan smiles at me, leaning against the door frame and pulling his hand through his hair. I can feel a grin grow on my face at the mere sight of him.

"Heh, no. I was just lost in thought."

"Is something bothering you?" I step backwards as he closes the door behind him and kicks his shoes off into the pile.

For some reason I don't wanna tell him. Cause it's about Ichigo, and I don't want Shuu to know about Ichi. I don't want him to know my feelings, I don't want him to be bothered by that, I don't wanna make him mistrust me.

"No, it's nothing." I wave it off. "Did you know that Grimmjow's the owner of K:O?" Changing the subject, even if he don't know it.

"Yes. I have been there a few times. You did not know?"

"No, he told me today. I was a bit surprised." I crash down on the couch, and he sits down beside me.

"I thought you knew." He pulls an apologetic face on, which just makes me laugh and kiss him on the cheek.

"You guys forget that I'm not a fighter."

"Really? Cause I heard otherwise from Rankiku-san."

"When did you talk with Ran?" Have I missed something here? _When did you become such a big part of my life?_

"Last weekend when you invited her over for dinner." Yeah, that's right. He walked her home.

"Should I feel threaten?" For a short second his face is blank, a state that I've come used to seeing him in. Then he smirks at me evilly and I can't help but laugh again and hug him.

Hours later, after a bowl of tortellini each, we've moved to rest on my bed.

I'm watching as he moves around my private area, fallowing the racks that are stacked with CD's and tour DVD's. Time to time picking one out to read the backside or flick through the booklet. Singing along with what's playing.

"Interpol, Unkle, The Knife, Tv on the Radio..." He pulls out Portishead's first album and just stares at it. There's a big crack through the plastic from when I left it laying on the stereo and it fell to the floor thanks to the high volume making the speakers vibrate.

That album has meant so much to me through the years. I put it on whenever I'm feeling so down that noting matters anymore. Playing Roads over and over again.

I played it until my ears bled after Rukia passed away.

I can feel Shuuhei's gaze move to me as his body shifts lightly, but I can't take my eyes away from the album in his hand. After a while he turns back, letting his fingers grace the crack before putting it back on the shelf. And it's first then, when I see it up there, safe among all the others, that I can feel myself breath again.

"Your collection is amazing."

His voice is low but clear in the silence that's between two songs and I meet his eyes.

"I have never seen a shelf that has so much of what I myself have listened to and liked." I can feel myself smile again as he picks out an early Nickelback album and puts it on before laying down next to me.

"Kensei was a big Nickelback fan. He pretty much forced them onto me until I was as addicted as he was."

"Personally I love them, but it seems like quite a lot has something against them." I sneak an arm around him, pulling him closer to me, his head resting just over my armpit.

"Yeah, you either love them or hate them."

"Hm."

"Do you remember which albums you had in your player the first time we were here?"

"Yeah, War Stories and Sleeping With Ghosts. I don't remember the third one, I'd fallen asleep by then."

"Placebo is my favorite band."

"Wow, talk about skills I have then."

"More good luck, I would say." Me, having good luck? For some reason I feel like laugh until I can't breath anymore.

"Which one's your fav album?"

"Sleeping With Ghosts." I can't help but grin at that. What a coincidence.

"Song?"

"Running Up That Hill." It's amazing how much we have in comment when it comes to music and movies.

"Mine too, by them I mean. Or I Know." Clothes too, considering that it's his shirt that I have on right now.

"I lost my virginity to them."

"I lost mine to Queens Of The Stone Age. No One Knows." A festival, behind a bunch of Portaloo's. At least I didn't have to worry about how I smelled.

"Sound's good. I haven't listened that much to them but what I've heard I've liked."

"Hm, ya should see them live, they're awesome."

"We will see." He bites me in the armpit and I yelp at the sudden weird feeling, and when the short image of a shark attack leaves my mind I spin us around so that I can revenge.

.

We've both made peace with each other. And in a bundle of covers and pillows on the floor I suddenly realized how hot it is. And how uncomfortable it is to have jeans and socks on when you're under a cover.

His cheek is pressed against my stomach, my shirt have slipped up a bit in the fight and I swear that I can feel his scars against my skin.

"When's your b-day?"

"August 14th."

"That's pretty soon."

"Two weeks."

"Hm. Have you planned to do anything?" It's unnecessary to ask, I know the answer.

"No." He never plans ahead more than one day when he doesn't have to. And the only thing he feels like he have to plan is the fights. And I know how uncomfortable he is over those.

"I know. But, I'll be having a party here on the 13th. You're free to come if you wanna." _You don't have to decide now, you don't have to feel obligated, you just have to know._

"You just made that up now."

"Yeah, but since the 14th is a Sunday I'd thought the 13th would be better. And I probably have work on Monday." I sigh, I don't like work. It's only the parents that ever ask for help, and they're always completely clueless.

I never get to talk to the geeks.

It's Sunday tomorrow. I have the day off, maybe I should just stay home and play video games.

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Fucking filler chapter. I wanna puke all over it.

Wanna play with me? I've decided on one or two numbers between 1 and 10, the one of you who can hit that number with a review I will grant a request - for a drawing that is, one character/feeling/idea/graphic design to put on your business card. If you wanna see how bad/good I am, my name on DA is Babyluw too. So the address would be: babyluw/deviantart/com (change the "/" to dots)


	12. I Really Want You

A/N: Sorry for the slow update, totally FFdotNet's fault as they wouldn't let me for some reason D:  
Music: James Blunt - I really Want You

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I Really Want You

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When I met Ike on the street some months ago, and Rangiku invited me to live with them... I didn't think before I said yes, and how could I have? She was so beautiful, a real doll. It was pretty clear that she didn't know our history, what tore us apart. If she knew she wouldn't have invited me like that.

But then it turns out that they're not together, and that they're not officially living together either, and I start to doubt my first theory. Which gets me thinking – why did she invite me? And maybe she did know after all? And then what does that mean?

And these thoughts, they make me think too much, and frown – which will give me wrinkles earlier than is necessary. And they wake some sort of hope within me. A hope that I don't want to have.

'Cause then I open the door to his bedroom in the morning, just to say that I'm going out to meet Renji, and maybe Ran would want to come along?

I have a feeling that it would be quite awkward to meet Renji just like that, since he's their friend really and not mine and it makes zero sense to why he asked me to come out with him in the first place.

But when I opened the door, after a light, polite knock, my breath is taken away and my heart stops in my chest.

She's pressed up against his side, her head resting against his shoulder. He's slightly turned against her, away from the door and me, his arms in the movement of unwrapping themselves from her body.

He turns himself towards me, meeting my gaze and I can see it in his eyes, that he knows how this hurts me, and how he doesn't want me to see the position he's in.

It takes a couple of seconds for him to wrap his mind around it all, a couple of seconds that I'm deeply thankful for, a couple of seconds for me to calm myself down, a couple of seconds to collect myself and not make a fool out of myself.

"What?" His voice is so deep, and I have to swallow before I can muster my response.

"I'm going out. Tell Ran to call me when she's awake?" I turn right after I've gotten it out of me, sick of the situation, of her golden hair and the stripes of sunlight that stream through the window blinds and dance across his bare chest. He's left the street fighting, why is he still as ripped as he was back in school?

"Sure." I hear his response, faint, as I'm already out in the hall and pulling my shoes on.

It's first when I'm out on the street that I can feel my heart beating again, and I know that I'm out too early, that's it's a bit over an hour left before I'm supposed to meet the redhead. So I go and buy a mug of coffee at Starbucks and sit down in the park, calming myself down as I watch mothers with baby buggies meeting other mothers with baby buggies.

A while after a few texts with Renji I can see him walking through the park entrance, and it's quite the weird sight. Him with all his tattoos, unnatural hair and torn black tight jeans, and then the ducks in the small pond and the green grass and the smaller trees.

"Hey!"

"Hi."

"Wanna go?" He shrugs his shoulders as he asks me and I toss my empty mug into the trash bin next to the bench as I get up.

"Sure, where to?"

"You tell me." He smiles, and it really is catching.

"It won't be that easy, I don't know him. Tell me what he likes." Helping with buying presents to someone you've never met isn't that easy.

"Well, he's a fighter, like Ichi. He seems to like music a lot too, since that's pretty much what we do together." he chuckles, probably to some happy memory. Then he frowns slightly "He's a _tea_ person."

"Haha, okay then. Let's head to one of the major streets, I got a few ideas."

"Sure."

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"Thank you for doing this with me, I'm horrible at buying presents." We're standing at the cashier in a small tea store.

"No, problems. Though, I was a little weirded out when you first called."

"Can imagine, but ya' ought to understand that you're the best choice out there. Just imagine Ikkaku being here with me, he hates these kinda stuff. Would tell me to buy a bottle of rum and be done with it."

I can't help but laugh at that, Ike didn't like stores, even when we were in Junior High. I used to steal money from him to buy his clothes.

We enter some small restaurant and order some lunch, and I can't help but ask how he and Shuuhei met. Since Rangiku said that he was crazy in love with his roommate, I know it's impossible, but maybe this man knows how you really get over somebody.

"We met in an ally, had a one night stand and then went separate ways." he smirks as he says it, and I can't help but raise an eyebrow, even though I know it looks silly.

"Obviously that's not true."

"Heh, it is. Then, some week later I was playing at a local bar and he was in the audience."

"Oh, so you saw him and ran through the crowd?" Oh, how romantic.

"No, I didn't see him. But he saw me, and came up to say hi afterward. We had another one nighter, and I woke up alone the day after."

"As all normal healthy relationships start." I chuckle. But really, how many relationships start with you getting dumped two times in a row? Probably more than I'd like to know.

"It was something he said, he knew the bartender at the bar where I'd played. So I went there and asked for his number."

"And I'm guessing you got it?"

"Yeah, I did. And I called him, and he said he wanted to meet me again. I thought it was kinda odd, I mean, I was so sure that he would turn me down. Why else would he sneak out? Turns out that he always does that, we've been together for a few months now, and I still haven't seen him sleeping." His face falls a bit, and I can see that he's troubled by it, and at the same time I can't help but remember something that Nietzsche wrote. That you can only see someone's true appearance when they're sleeping, when they're completely defenseless and relaxed.

"You've never been at his place?"

"A few times, but it's always been in the middle of the day so I've never spent the night." I should change the topic, this isn't a cheerful atmosphere.

"You're a song writer right?"

"Yeah, part time."

"Why don't you write him a song for a present? Lord knows that there's nothing as romantic as that."

"I can't. I haven't been able to write since we got together. I don't know, I think it's because I've been happy." I've never seen someone say they're happy with such miserable eyes. He takes a deep breath, before letting it out again. "Besides, I always used to talk my songs through with Ichi, and it feels wrong to give something that Ichigo's been involved with to Shuu after that. Then it'd be like he comes second and I just can't..."

"Let me do it then." Why am I helping him? This is so not beautiful, to just offer your help like this without no reason. Like some desperate... why does he look so surprised?

"Really? That would be great! It's not much you have to do, just listen to me and tell me what you think."

"Sounds easy, but don't expect me to flatter you."

"Wouldn't want you to."

.

It's a few days later when he invites me to his house. Ichigo isn't home so we're in the living room and I'm sitting at the edge of the couch as he's on the floor, a messy bit of paper in front of him.

"Okay this is just a first draft, so just say what you think of the content. We can work on improving the phrasing and things like that after." he chuckles, and looks at least five years younger than he is.

I just nod, and he looks down at the throat of the guitar to place his fingers right before shifting slightly. Breathing in, breathing out deeply. And then he starts, a simple melody before he picks up a beat, hitting the strings a little bit harder and opens his mouth to let absolute romance and love stream out of him.

It's clear, in some places, that it's not completely finished, some words here and there that should be changed for a better flow. But the meaning comes across. Thank you. You changed my life.

"What do you think?"

"Beautiful."

"Heh, thank you." He looks so happy, just a word from me made him happy.

"You could need to change some words though, just for a better flow. But other than that, the meaning comes across just perfectly. Shuuhei will be happy." He hums, scribbles some words down on his notes as he puts the guitar down on the floor next to him.

"Want something to eat? We have instant noodles." I nod and stand up to follow him into the kitchen.

I feel like a coward, unworthy of the love of my life, as I ask what's a really important question to me – to his back.

"Do you know what the deal between Ike and Rangiku is?"

He stops for a second, and turns around to look at me. And then an apologetic look enters his eyes.

"You're in love with Ikkaku right?"

"Yeah."

He looks at me, opens his mouth, doubting, closing. And then does it all over again.

"I know." I can't help but say, 'cause maybe if I make it sound like I have no hope left, he will give me some. It's pathetic really, I am pathetic. So ugly. "I can see how they are around each other. But the only reason that I can think of, for why they are like they are and not more is because they're not in love with each other."

"They were in the same class in high school. Didn't get along at all, but for some reason they always bumped into each other. I got to meet her a few times when I was out with Ike, and we became friends. I was the only thing holding them together, the only reason for why they met outside of school."

He pours the now boiling water into two plastic cups and places them on the table before sitting down himself.

"Rangiku was a mess, moving from one guy to another, never settling down, addicted to change. But then there was this one guy, who got to her. I don't know really, but he was a sneaky bastard and didn't let her go. Stalked, threatened. We all knew who he was, he had quite the reputation on the streets and among us high schoolers. Somewhere along the line things went too far, and I went after her, declaring war against him and his gang."

"I managed to take care of all the low lives, but I couldn't lay a decent hit on him. It was something we never did, but I knew I had to, so I called Ikkaku. I knew that they didn't get along that well, but I also knew that he would come if I asked him to."

"And like the prince in silver armor he slayed the dragon and saved the princess." I say, my voice low and Renji just nods before continuing.

"We all know that they belong together, but that they can't take that first step. Ran doesn't wanna ask for more, she thinks that he's done more than she deserved. And he thinks that if he asks, she will only say yes because she feels obligated to. They're both so stupid."

Looking up from the table and meeting my eyes again, I can see it in his gaze. How he completely understands the situation I'm in.

"How long have you loved him?"

There's no reason to hold anything back now, is there? It's when I feel a tear fall onto my hand that I first realize that I'm crying.

"Since forever. I think I was around thirteen when I first realized it. I told him when we both graduated from junior high."

"You told him?" Renji looks surprised as he asks me.

"Yeah, but he's straight. He never thought of me that way and never would. I knew that he liked me, but just as a friend."

"I thought that we could go back to the way we were, but the damage was done. I could feel him keeping his distance and I saw the guilt in his eyes every time he looked at me.. So I got myself a boyfriend, something that would make him believe that I was over him, but... but we just drifted apart. I couldn't find the strength to stop it."

I dry the tears that are still falling from my eyes with the back of my sleeve.

"I destroyed our friendship. And now it feels like I'm doing it again, I still love him. I love him so much."

And I hate myself for it. And I hate him for it.

And I just wanna be over this ugly sickness.

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Man, I slightly paniked cuz I thought that I was about to post _another_ Yumi chapter and I was all like "Nooo, what am I doing! I have to post/write all these chapters before! It's to soon!". Yes, I am feeling perfectly fine.

I so love writing out of Yumi's POV for some reason... Mhm... I don't think I have anything important to say so,

Please review?


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